Neviim Tovim, blogs by Gillian Gould Lazarus

Performed with Powerpoint, music and pictures, at Sha’arei Tsedek North London Synagogue on 7 March 2012

ESTHER CHAPTER ONE

From Ahasuerus (king.ahasuerus@shushan.org.pe)
To medes@media.com; satraps@persia.co.pe; princes@ethiopia.co.et; raj@hodu.co.in;
Cc achaemenids@shushan.org.pe
SUBJECT Invitation

Ahasuerus King of Persia requests the pleasure of your company at a banquet to be held at Shushan the Castle.

‘We’ll teach you to drink deep ere you depart,’ to quote our court poet.

WACS (wives and concubines) will be welcome at a banquet given by Queen Vashti in Her Majesty’s private boutique.

The most royal and gracious

Ahasuerus

Dress: informal blue/purple linen
RSVP info@shushan.org.pe

*

From Ahasuerus (king.ahasuerus@shushan.org.pe)

To Memucan@satraps.com; et cetera

SUBJECT Vashti the Queen

Having REALLY MERRY time with courtiers and satraps – one prince came all the way from India on an ELEPHANT LOL!!!

It will be our pleasure for you to fetch Queen Vashti PRONTO, so that these guys can see her in the flesh. Eat your heart out, Menelaus!

The most royal and gracious sovereign
Ahasuerus

PS Tell her to wear her crown!!!

*

SMS

No way King A! Am having gr8 time in harem with unux, 2BZ2 meet ur geeky friends. C u (much) l8er, VashT

*

From: Memucan Memucan@yesucan.com
To: King Ahasuerus (king.ahasuerus@shushan.org.pe)
SUBJECT Vashti the Queen

Your Majesty
Queen Vashti has wronged not only your royal person but all the husbands in your empire. She has shown the kind of disrespect that leads inevitably to a breakdown in family values and the subversion of identity. I urge you to divorce Vashti at once and replace her with another, better than she.
BTW thanks for the awesome banquet.
Your devoted servant
Memucan (Prince)

*

MEMO
ATTN Princes of Persia and Media
From: Prince Memucan
Re: the person formerly known as queen Vashti

HM King Ahasuerus is divorcing Vashti. She will cease to be Queen forthwith and is not to be referred to as HRH.
Make it known in your own households that every woman is to be subservient to her husband. This is an unalterable decree of the Medes and the Persians and is available in the following languages: Akkadian, Aramaic, Coptic, Elamite, Greek, Hebrew, Klingon, Parsi, Sanskrit, Sumerian and Welsh.

*
CHAPTER 2
Classified
Inexperienced and obedient maiden required by royal male. Must have stunning good looks and an agreeable disposition. Must be amenable to new experiences and say yes to everything.
Apply to hegaitheeunuch@shushan.org.pe

No mingers

*

15th Samiyama

Dear Hegai
My foster daughter Hadassah (also known as Esther) has all the virtues required in your advertisement which appeared in the Star of Shushan on 14th Samiyamas. She is also virtuous, obedient and speaks five languages (Elamite, Aramaic, Hebrew, Elvish and Esperanto). She has just two desires: the well-being of His Gracious Majesty King Ahasuerus, and world peace.
Yours sincerely
Mordecai ben Jair

*
SMS
Hi uncle Mordecai am well treated at Palace – free myrrh and all u can eat!! – and have kept QT re Jewish Gen and whole exile schtick. Got King to autograph my chador. Worst case scenario can sell it on ebay. Esther xx

*

My dear Esther
Just want you to know I’m very proud of you. I’m sure you’ll make the best of your new role, and remember, because this is important, don’t mention the J word, at least not until I say so. Have been networking with some of the eunuchs, who keep me up to date with court gossip (They tell me those nebekhs Bigthan and Teresh are looking for a grievance lawyer).
With love from your affectionate
Uncle Mordecai

*

From estherthequeen@royalapartments.org.pe
To king.ahasuerus@shushan.org.pe
Bcc: mordecaibenjair@benjamites.com

SUBJECT: Conspiracy

My most dear and gracious husband and king, Ahasuerus of Persia and Media,

It pains me to tell you that I have been informed of a plot against your royal person. This has been discovered by your trusted servant Mordecai ben Jair who works in the Accounts Department. He has heard that your chamberlains Bigthan and Teresh seek your life as a reprisal for their failure to make promotion to Grade 6. Bigthan also asserts that he is owed overtime for serving wine at your most recent banquet, which he says is not within his remit.
Mordecai begs you to take steps against these evildoers and thwart their conspiracy, to which petition I add my own signature

Esther

*

From king.ahasuerus@shushan.org.pe
To Memucan@yesucan.com
SUBJECT FW: Conspiracy

Memucan, deal with this ASAP and get it written up in the Book of Chronicles (not that anybody reads those bubbemeisers).
The most Royal etc
Ahasuerus
*

CHAPTER THREE
MEMO
ATTN princes, satraps, chamberlains courtiers and hoi polloi
From: Haman
Re: Haman
All the Kings’ servants are to prostrate themselves in the presence of Haman the son of Hammedatha the Agagite. That includes the princes. No one is exempt. Especially not the accountants.

*

Twitter

Shushan_cushion Carcas
@Bizzetha What do you make of fact that Mordecai the Jew won’t bow down to #Haman?
2 hours ago

Bizzworks Bizzetha
@Shushan_cushion@Abagtha Someone should have a word with #Mordecai as Haman is getting well miffed. Please RT
1 hour ago

Abagtha Abagtha
@Bizzworks@Cheeseeater Why is #Mordecai trending on twitter? Is this the dude from accounts who won’t bow to #Haman? Do we want him to bow?
25 minutes ago

Cheeseeater Harbona
@Abagtha Of course we want him to bow. And scrape. Got to keep #Haman happy. Tell #Mordecai he has to prostrate himself like rest of us. RT
18 minutes ago

Abagtha Abagtha
@Cheeseeater Prostate?
15 minutes ago

Cheeseeater Harbona
@Abagtha Prostrate. Keep up
14 minutes ago

Bizzworks Bizzetha
@Abagtha. #Mordecai is only trending in Shushan. Doubt that he’s trending in Halicarnassus for example
10 minutes ago

Abagtha Abagtha
@Bizzworks Is anything trending in Halicarnassus?
7 minutes ago

Bizzworks Bizzetha
@Abagtha No way. Nothing ever happens there, place is like a tomb
5 minutes ago

Bizzworks Bizzetha
@Shushan_cushion@Abagtha Someone should have a word with #Mordecai as Haman is getting well miffed. Please RT
Retweeted by Shushan_cushion

*

STAR OF SHUSHAN ¼ silver talent
13 Hadukannaš
12th year of King Ahasuerus

MORDECAI WON’T KOWTOW IN HAMAN BOW ROW

Chief Minister Haman is furious that palace accountant Mordecai ben Jair, 46, still refuses to bow down to him. Haman, 52, has demanded that all the King’s servants prostrate themselves before him. ‘I won’t kowtow’ says Ben Jair, whose Jewish grandparents were carried away from Judah in the time of Nebuchadnezzar.

Haman was not available for an interview but a source close to the Minister has revealed that he has an audience with the King today.

STUDENT UNREST HALTS CHARIOTS IN THERMOPYLAE
Disgruntled Spartan students prevented traffic crossing the pass at Thermopylae yesterday during an anti-Persian demonstration. Several windows were broken in Argos, as rioters laid their hands upon
the spoil.

Banished Vashti sells Sushi from sea shore in Shushan
Disgraced queen Vashti has opened a fashionable Sushi restaurant in West Shushan, offering fresh fish from the Caspian Sea. ‘I find my new business both profitable and empowering,’ Vashti tells our reporter. See page 5 for our exclusive interview.

*

RECORD OF A MEETING BETWEEN HM KING AHASUERUS AND CHIEF MINISTER HAMAN
13 Nisan 12th year of the reign of King Ahasuerus
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
Present: HM King Ahasuerus, Chief Minister Haman, Zethar the Scribe

Haman reported that there is a certain people scattered through all the provinces of the kingdom who do not keep the King’s laws and should therefore be destroyed.

The Minister then explained that he had cast pur, that is to say lots, and found that the 13th day of the month of Adar would be an auspicious time for the destruction of these people.

HM the King then removed his ring and said ‘Haman son of Hammedatha the Agagite, I give you this ring as a seal of my confidence in you. Deal with these people in any way which seems good to you.’

It was agreed that letters to this effect would be posted to the satraps of all the provinces, all the letters to be sealed by the King’s ring.

HM the King said ‘Does that mean I have to sit on the photocopier?’

The decree is to be published instantly in Shushan the Castle.

Recorded by Zethar the Scribe

CHAPTER FOUR

SMS
Uncle M am sending u clothes as hear u tore urs and r wearing sackcloth. Sorry ur :(. Am sending my servant Hatach the unuk 2 c u Esther xx

From Hatach@chamberlains.org.pe
To estherthequeen@royalapartments.org.pe
SUBJECT: Mr M Ben Jair

Your Royal Highness Queen Esther
I visited Mordecai Ben Jair according to your command. He asks me to tell you that Haman the Agagite is plotting the extermination of all the Jews in the Persian Empire (see attachment). He requests very strenuously that you approach the King and ask him to spare your people.
Yours respectfully
Hatach the chamberlain

SMS
Uncle M u know no1 may approach KA unless summoned. He has not called me and if I do what u say he will probably have me killed!!!
E xx

*
SMS
Esther, do not think u will s cape just bcos ur in the palace. If u hold ur pce deliverance will come from an other ¼. Who knows if u have not come to royal est8 4 just such a time as this? M x

*

SMS
Am fasting 3 days. Please have all Jews in Shushan do same. Then I will c king and if I die I die. E 

*

CHAPTER FIVE

Facebook

Bizzetha the Chamberlain
Breaking news: Queen Esther approached His Majesty’s inner court without being summoned. Whoops!

52 minutes ago
2 people like this

View all 11 comments

Abagtha: Pourquoi ‘whoops’?
48 minutes ago

Bizzetha: Because it’s a capital offence, that’s why whoops. Luckily for her, she still has her head.
45 minutes ago

1 person likes this

Harbona: I heard she wants to give a banquet for HM and Haman
30 minutes ago

Abagtha: What’s HM? Is it short for Haman?
28 minutes ago

Bizzetha: His Majesty
25 minutes ago

Harbona: I also heard about the banquet. Haman must be well pleased.
15 minutes ago

1 person dislikes this

Bizzetha: It’s a great honour for him. Can’t understand why he still complains about Mordecai not bowing. He must be a goblet half empty person.
11 minutes ago

Abagtha: Which goblet is that?
9 minutes ago

Bizzetha: It’s a notional goblet.
5 minutes ago

Abagtha: You can get them in Argos.
4 minutes ago

Recent activity
Haman seems to be hell bent on destr… on Harbona’s wall
Bizzetha and Memucan are now friends
Bizzetha has unfriended Vashti, Bigthan and Teresh

SMS
Haman pls call in at B&Q on ur way home and get a gallows 50 qbits high. Arrange with the king to have Mordecai hanged b4 u go 2 the banquet, that will show him. Luv from ur clever wife Zeresh

SMS
Dear Z Am in B&Q now trying to find sales assistant. H

From King Ahasuerus
To Zethar et cetera
SUBJECT Records of the Chronicles

Be advised that I have been reading the records in the book of Chronicles and wish to show gratitude to Mordecai the Jew who uncovered a heinous plot against my life. The wrongdoers were punished but Mordecai has not yet been rewarded.

Another thing: tell the court physician to bring me further supplies of a sleeping potion – I think he calls it mandrazepam – as I have run out.

Your most royal and gracious sovereign

Ahasuerus

*

STAR OF SHUSHAN
¼ silver talent
19 Hadukannaš
12th year of King Ahasuerus

AGAGITE GOES GAGA AT MORDECAI HONOUR SAGA

Chief Minister Haman the Agagite is said to be fuming as King Ahasuerus honoured Mordecai ben Jair today with a horseback procession. Ben Jair, 43, was mounted on the king’s horse and dressed in royal apparel while Haman, 54, led him through the streets of Shushan. Sources close to Haman have revealed that the minister was expecting to be honoured himself and has long held a grudge against Mordecai. Straight after the parade, he was seen hurrying home with his head covered. Haman’s wife Zeresh, an attractive brunette, 49, said: ‘If Mordecai is of Jewish origin, Haman will not prevail against him’. Zeresh’s name has been linked with that of Hocham, one of Haman’s advisors. They were seen last night at one of Shushan’s liveliest venues, ‘The Purple Turtledove’, sharing a goblet of wine with two straws and a papyrus umbrella.

MORDECAI FINDS SUPPORT ABROAD Sha’arei Tsedek, a poor community in the land of the Britons, called on King Ahashuerus to respect the rights of Persian Jews. Their leader, Rav Eimer, seen here addressing a meeting of Mordecai’s supporters warned of the dangers of Amalekite anti-semitism.’

Foreign news: Ezra lambasts Jerusalemites for taking Moabite wives. See page 12

*

CHAPTER SEVEN

Wonderful banquet Esther babe, Californian Pinot has lively bouquet with notes of vanilla. Tell me what u want and I’ll give it 2 u, even if it’s ½ my kingdom LOL!!! King A

*

Majesty I ask only 4 my life and the lives of my people 4 we are sold 2b destroyed. QE xx

*

Say what? Who dunnit? KA

*
An adversary and an enemy, even this wicked Haman. QE xx

*
Omg that makes me cross. Am going outside 4 a smoke. KA

*
Help! Haman being inappropri8 invading my personal space. Yuk! QE xx

*

?? Will he force the queen b4 my face??!!

*

From Harbona
To King Ahasuerus
SUBJECT Gallows

Your Royal Highness
It may interest you to know that Haman owns a gallows fifty cubits high, on which he intended to hang Mordecai. As Mordecai is Your Majesty’s valued advisor, and it seems a shame to waste a good gallows, you may wish to have Haman hanged in his place. (It is in Haman’s garden, next to the shed, just past the garden gnomes.)
Your ever-so-humble servant
Harbona

*

From King Ahasuerus
To Harbona
SUBJECT Gallows

See to it.

Ahasuerus

*

From Harbona
To King Ahasuerus
SUBJECT Gallows

Haman son of Hammedatha sleeps with the fishes.

*

From King Ahasuerus
To Harbona
SUBJECT Gallows

I’m not interested in his private life. Just kill him.

Ahasuerus

*

CHAPTER EIGHT

Dear husband, King Ahasuerus
Uncle Mordecai and I are very grateful for the kind gift of your ring which you took off Haman to give Uncle Mordecai. I am sure he will enjoy wearing it. Thank you also for the generous gift of Haman’s house. It is wonderfully spacious and the garden is charming (I have donated the gnomes to a charity which provides for the gnomeless).

If you will forgive one further demand on your goodwill, I request that you reverse the letters devised by Haman authorising the destruction of the Jews in all the provinces of the Empire.

I do not wish to be importunate, but this means a great deal to me. I was encouraged by the way you held out your sceptre to me last night, which led me to believe that you were pleased to see me.

With gratitude and big hugs xoxox

Esther

*

MEMO
Attn: Scribes
From: His Majesty King Ahasuerus
Re: the Jews

Concerning the Jews

Letters are to be sent to all satraps, governors and princes of the provinces that the Jews are permitted to defend themselves against anyone who attacks them. This is a decree of state. Horses to be sourced from royal stables for maximum speed. No camels, as speed is of the essence. Anyone using a camel to transport a royal decree will be clamped.

Ahasuerus

PS Mordecai to be kitted out by court tailors in blue and white with purple cape and gold crown (not as big as my crown).

*

CHAPTER NINE
STAR OF SHUSHAN ½ silver talent
13th Miyakannaš
13th year of King Ahasuerus

500 DIE IN SHUSHAN AS AGAGITE COUP FAILS

The Jews of Shushan took up the sword today to defend themselves against supporters of the late minister Haman the Agagite. Among the dead are believed to be the ten sons of Haman: Parshandatha, Dalphon, Aspatha, Poratha, Adalia, Aridatha, Parmashta, Arisai, Aridai and Viagra.

Dalphon was a graduate of the London School of Economics, where he had achieved an upper second in Political Science. Poratha was a major shareholder in the company Nabatean Consolidated Olives. Shares in NCO are down by 4%.

Parmashta had been linked romantically with Princess Rhodogune, who is now betrothed to the Armenian satrap Orontes. Rhodogune, an attractive redhead, 22, told our interviewer ‘Even though everything was over between us, I’ll never forget Smashmashta…Parthamster…whatever’.

Memucan the Chamberlain has suggested that Jewish reprisals in Shushan have been disproportionate. The Star of Shushan can reveal Mordecai’s comment, exclusive to our reporter: ‘We had some very old scores to settle with the Agagites. It was necessary to blot out the memory of Amalek.’

SUSHI QUEEN OPENS PIZZA PARLOUR IN PERSEPOLIS
Vashti, CEO of the successful Sushi Queen chain of restaurants, and former wife of King Ahasuerus, has diversified into Etruscan cuisine with her new restaurant ‘Parsi Pizzas’. Let’s hope the Parsi pizzas surpass the Shushan sushi!

.
From Mordecai (Mbjair.privycouncil@shushan.org.pe)

To Board of Deputies of Persian Jews (bod@provinces.org.pe);
Sanhedrin (posterity@yavneh.co.il)

Cc Judah ha Nasi (tannaim@mishnah.co.il)
Bcc Queen Esther (estherthequeen@royalapartments.org.pe)

SUBJECT Purim

As the wicked Haman was foiled in his attempt to exterminate the Jews of the Persian Empire, we enjoin upon all the Jews in the empire and in posterity to keep 14th Adar every year as a festival (14th and 15th if you live in a walled city – you know who you are), from generation to generation, so that the memory of these days shall not perish.

*

From Queen Esther
To Board of Deputies of Persian Jews
Sanhedrin
Cc Judah ha Nasi
Bcc Mordecai

SUBJECT Purim

Hi everyone
I know we haven’t met but I’m the Queen here in Shushan, which isn’t bad going for an exiled Jewish orphan, even if I say it myself LOL!! Anyway I want a book written about these events and I hope there won’t be any argument about its place in the Bible (Rabbi Judah please note!). Don’t forget to mention that Uncle Mordecai and I are from the tribe of Benjamin because I’m not totally happy with the way we Benjamites are depicted in some parts of Judges and Samuel and I think people should know that we finished off Haman and the Agagites and Amalekites ONCE AND FOR ALL. This is very good news for all of us as it spells the END for anti-semitism! 🙂
Xoxox

Esther

CHAPTER TEN
Twitter

Harbona: Mordecai’s become the most powerful man in Shushan. The Chosen People always get themselves chosen for positions of power.
30 minutes ago

Bizzetha: Typical! What about all the Persians who get passed over for promotion?
25 minutes ago

Harbona: Yeah it’s the Jewish lobby, they control everything at Court.
22 minutes ago

Abagtha: I think Mordecai’s all right, he’s a dude. He lent me his dvd of ‘300’, ROTFL comedy where 300 Greek guys beat Persian army AS IF!!
10 minutes ago

Star of Shushan
Macedonians protest as Mordecai introduces VAT on Thracian slaves.
Retweeted 100+ times